October 29, 2005
Posted by Kurt
By George!
It’s approaching crisis levels, and our dignity as an ethnic group is at stake. I am talking about this disturbing trend of us Chinese Asians giving ourselves English names that sound like bowel movements, names like Solon So, Affrick Fung and Oxide Pang, that are slowly, but surely, eating away at the very fabric that holds our society together, which we all agree is chicken rice. The problem has grown to the point where even the waitress at the Chinese restaurant today was named Kinki. I think it is all becoming too much, especially when I couldn’t tell if she was merely blinking or hitting on me. And that, my friend, is the last straw. The other customers will have to drink directly from their cups.
It probably all started in Hong Kong, where every 2 in 5 people are named after some kind of insect species, with the other 3 preferring to stick to mammal groups. Their celebrities are the biggest offenders, who, armed with the knowledge that their easily impressionable fans will follow, give themselves names like Eason Chan, Kenix Kwok and Hacken Lee, the singer behind such hits as “Deep Deep Deep” (the way he likes his chicken fried), “Unchangeable In My Lifetime” (a song about underwear) and “Flying Trapeze” (he ran out of ideas). Should listening to any of their songs not cause you to die instantly, grope around for a chair immediately and stab it through your face.
My thinking is, your parents did not agonize and deliberate for 9 months to coin you a Chinese name that means “soaring dragon”, only to have its profound meaning totally ruined 17 years later at a uni frat party by having yourself christened “Vomit Lee” as you guzzle through your fifth case of Tsingtao. They were hoping it would last at least until you hit 21, where you start a dotcom business and name yourself after a random peripheral device.
So if you’re going to fart in your parents’ faces anyway by naming yourself after bacteria poop, do the rest of the world a favor and pick one that clearly identifies your gender, like Sureman Tong, not something ambiguous like Jingle Ma, which can be interpreted as a) belonging to a woman with perky boobs, or b) a man with an excitable wiener, or c) all of the above. This ambiguity will make it very hard for your porter to address you properly, who wouldn’t be lugging around your baggage if he could answer multiple choice questions.
But who am I kidding? The trend is showing no signs of letting up, and will continue to grow until one day, your little granddaughter Curious Ting will hop on your lap, gaze at your face and chuckle, “Grandpa, your name George sounds so silly!”
Want a Tsingtao?
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10 Comments
November 1, 2005
i still say maximillian chua-heng kicks ass! hehehee…
November 1, 2005
Agreed. Anyone with a hyphen in their name is a god.
November 7, 2005
heheh, that’s hilarious dude…a real classic.
I love your style
November 8, 2005
anon: Hi there, thanks for popping by! Come in, come in… *rubs hands*
November 9, 2005
Finally someone has addressed this strange phenomenon. Well, at least it gives us something to snigger discretely about in front of them until we can get a safe distance away and burst out in loud guffaws!
P.S. And may I just say this, “Hallelujah!!” another (rare) good writer/blogger/whatever to haunt. Two thumbs and two toes up! Be very afraid, you have a stalker. Heh.
November 9, 2005
Jackie: I’m taking notes — DO NOT GUFFAW AT PERSON’S FUNNY NAME INFRONT OF SAID PERSON. KEY WORDS: DISCREET, FAR AWAY.
P.S. I’ve never been stalked before. Does fear come standard or is it an option?
November 9, 2005
Ceh! I’m polite (sic) so I’ll go far away, but I’ll still laugh, they deserve it. It’s a different matter if their parents saddled them with God-awful names, then I’d share their sorrow.
P.S. Humour me, be scared, please?
November 10, 2005
[QUOTE]
Jackie: I’m taking notes — DO NOT GUFFAW AT PERSON’S FUNNY NAME INFRONT OF SAID PERSON. KEY WORDS: DISCREET, FAR AWAY.
[UNQUOTE]
This is hard to do.
I was once given a namecard by a salesman who wished to be known as “Amour Moo”.
November 12, 2005
I found myself laughing out loud to myself while reading this entry. And yes, I found your site through Kenny Sia’s.
Very very funny style of writing. I like.
April 22, 2006
Korean names are more ridiculous. “Rain”.
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