Kurtlow.com » The Cunning Linguist

Horse Sense

Kurt — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 00:32:22 +0000

While hunting down some low-down murderous varmints, the Lone Ranger is captured. He manages to whisper a message into Silver’s ear. The horse rears back, whinnies, and charges off to get help in a town many miles away.

The bad guys decide to take Loney out into the desert and tie him, naked, to a stake. Once they are satisfied that he is secured, they leave him to die slowly.

For two days, the Lone Ranger survives by sheer power of will. As the third dawn breaks, he hears the thundering of Silver’s hooves. Up gallops the faithful horse with a naked redhead on his back.

“Shit, Silver,” screams the masked man, “I said posse!”

*This has been todayâ€™s selected excerpt from The Cunning Linguist, by Richard Lederer*

Promises to Keep

Kurt — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 03:32:21 +0000

Little Red Riding Hood’s grandmother is lying in her bed when the wolf bursts through the door and stands above the bed panting.

“I’m going to tear you from limb to limb!” growls the wolf.

“No you won’t,” replies the grandmother, pulling out a revolver from under the covers. “You’ll do as the story says and eat me!”

*This has been todayâ€™s selected excerpt from The Cunning Linguist, by Richard Lederer*

Punography

Kurt — Fri, 12 Oct 2007 00:08:37 +0000

Down with pants! Up with miniskirts!

A sultan was inspecting the quarters of his harem. He opened a closet in one of the bedrooms and let out a terrified sheik.

Then there’s the wife who received a postcard from her husband, who was away on a business trip: “Having a wonderful time darling, wish you were her.”

*This has been todayâ€™s selected excerpt from The Cunning Linguist, by Richard Lederer*

Diddles

Kurt — Tue, 09 Oct 2007 23:13:17 +0000

Q: How can you tell the clan of a Scotsman?

A: You lift up his kilt, and if you see a Quarter Pounder underneath, you know he’s a McDonald.

***

Q: What do breasts and electric trains have in common?

A: They’re both designed for children, but Daddy gets to play with them.

*This has been todayâ€™s selected excerpt from The Cunning Linguist, by Richard Lederer*

Exotic Exodus and the Salacious Songs of Solomon

Kurt — Sun, 07 Oct 2007 22:38:20 +0000

The biblical book of Exodus tells us, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house…nor his ass.” In the Song of Solomon we read, “My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.”

[I expect this will encourage more people to read their Bibles --Kurt]

*This has been today’s selected excerpt from The Cunning Linguist, by Richard Lederer*

Three Old Ladies

Kurt — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 00:08:58 +0000

Three old ladies went for a tramp in the woods — but he got away. Next morning they caught him, and for the rest of the day their stomachs were on the bum. Next day the three ladies were confronted by a flasher. The first had a stroke, and the second had a stroke — but the third wouldn’t touch it.

[I wouldn't touch it either --Kurt]

*This has been today’s selected excerpt from The Cunning Linguist, by Richard Lederer*

The Four Stages of the Typical Couple’s Sex Life

Kurt — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 23:43:55 +0000

Under 35: Tri-weekly
35-45: Try weekly
45-55: Try weakly
55 and over: Try, try, try.

[I first read it as "55 it's over" --Kurt]

*This has been today’s selected excerpt from The Cunning Linguist, by Richard Lederer*

Ribald Riddles, Lascivious Limericks, Carnal Corn and Other Good, Clean Dirty Fun

Kurt — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 23:30:17 +0000

Rummaging through my library of books over the weekend, I was reacquainted with a charming tome I bought some years back by Dick Lederer (or Richard Lederer, if you want to be prissy about it) called The Cunning Linguist. It’s a “celebration of verbal ingenuity on impolite subjects” that manages to be lewd, outrageous, and devastatingly funny at the same time. Between its covers are collected some of the sneakiest, cleverest, punniest plays on the English language that beg to be shared, and it would be a complete shame if I kept them to myself, gems such as:

If Guinevere gave Lancelot, I wonder how much Galahad.

Womb: The sound of an elephant fart.

and,

Q: Who are the most constipated men in the Bible?
A: Cain, because he wasn’t Abel; Methuselah, who sat on the throne for 900 years; and Moses–God gave him two tablets and sent him into the wilderness.

So for the next few months, I’ll be sharing a nugget or two from the book every Monday, Wednesday and Friday — hopefully to your delight. Otherwise, afflicted is thy middle name.