Great Blogs of Fire!

So I have started a blog. It was due last century, but there was a slight delay because I was constantly being distracted by Amber Chia, whose sole career objective is to endorse every last inanimate object in the known free world, and if she really makes it, Mars. So far, she is already on luxury watches, shower heaters, laptops (by that I mean portable computers), and if you can wait a while, Steven Seagal – they’re still negotiating terms.

May I present to you: Yet another blog.

The first important, burning question to enter your mind is of course: “Is that a wheelchair up there?” Well, the answer is NO. It is a man on a wheelchair.

I should point out that this is not the first time I have started something. I recall the dry, sunny afternoon after school when with nothing but a match, candle, can of aerosol bug spray and a comprehensive insurance policy, I decided to visit my neighbor’s largely abandoned, weed-ridden backyard and start a Blazing Inferno Straight from Hell.

Everything went without a hitch, except that the Blazing Inferno quickly grew into Flaming Hurricane Pillars Straight from Satan’s Goateed Mouth. That was not a very positive development, because now the whole thing had totally gone out of control, and Dad’s going to KILL me when he comes home and finds out I burned down the entire Malaysian west coast.

As the fire got bigger with every passing second, I desperately prayed to God for help, who doesn’t usually answer my prayers, especially those involving untold earthly riches and certain ‘accidents’ happening to Eddie, the neighborhood bully. But this time, miraculously, He answered, and caused a sudden rain to fall and put out the fire. I suspect it had something to do with wanting to keep this blooming 10 year old alive (for now, at least) and far, faaar away from the Heavenly Garden.

That was back when desktop computers and the internet didn’t exist. Today kids indulge in such wholesome pastimes as torching passing pedestrians in Grand Theft Auto and surfing Fleshbot. Well, I’m all grown up now (debatable) and have since given up arson, preferring to channel all that restless energy into writing instead, hence this blog. Feel free to stick around or move along. But the point I’m trying to make here is, if you’re reading this and your lawn spontaneously bursts into flames – it wasn’t me.