I Had a Point, But I Can’t Remember What

I’ve been feeling a bit like Steven Seagal lately. Of course, I lack the height and kung-fu and receding hairline, but that doesn’t stop me from lunging forward in life with the joy and facial expression of gravel. As you can probably tell, I’m totally enjoying it. But lately I’m starting to get concerned, because everyone, including Oprah, is telling me “You should just be Yourself!”

Now I’ve been around this crusty planet long enough to know lots of meaningful and important things, such as cows produce enough flatulence daily to be classified as WMD (this knowledge must never be allowed to reach the hands of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad), and that Flashbangs work best when hurled towards the enemy, but “Be Yourself”? I don’t know. Not that being “Yourself” is bad advice — especially if “Yourself” is a Major Hollywood Celebrity Whose Sole Purpose in This Universe is to Sit in a Hot Tub in the Company of Sexy Women With Twin Silicone Floatation Devices Built-In to Their Chests and Drink Belgian Beer — but unfortunately, my internet skill set does not include identity theft (although I can tell you where to download entire seasons of MacGuyver, if you don’t ask).

Life is often not so simple. It can be complicated, like a 120,000 piece Disney jigsaw puzzle where you can’t tell if a piece is part of Mickey’s left hand or a fragment of Donald’s crotch. It is full of perplexing questions, such as “What is the meaning of life?” “Does God really exist?” and “If this ‘Yourself’ person is so damn popular, why have we not seen him in the act of catching herpes from Paris Hilton in a major tabloid publication?” Also, “Why doesn’t he have a last name? Is he the type of celebrity whose real name is so weird he has to call himself Coolio?” Could “Yourself” really be short for “Yoslef Vlagonizstikzuhrer”?

OK, my point is, I don’t know who “Yourself” is and I don’t think anyone really knows either — so to avoid any confusion and ambiguity, instead of telling people to “Be Yourself”, we should stick to A-List candidates and tell them to “Be Brad Pitt” or “Be Scarlett Johansson“. At least then they’ll know who you’re talking about.

Now, will someone please pass the damn sugar?