Not Lovin’ It

On my way out the front door to get lunch yesterday, I decided, “Hey, why not make an attempt to appear remotely sociable today?” So I offered a smile and a wave to my colleague the receptionist, who responded by — and this is the truth — crying.

No, I was not wearing suede.

Well, as it turns out, it wasn’t my fault. The fault lies with the other colleagues who ordered McDonalds via McDelivery. These people obviously do not read the fine print on important documents, such as the McDonalds Delivery Terms and Conditions, which states here that as your order is being delivered, if you take your eyes off the delivery boy for even a second, he will have the right to bend over your front desk and steal your mobile phone.

As you can imagine, after Mr Five-Finger-Discount Delivery Boy (let’s call him Hamburglar) left the building one phone heavier, and my receptionist colleague (let’s call her RC) realized what had happened, it was very traumatic. So she started crying, which was very traumatic for us Males (women take note). But in what is a perfect example of why women are better problem solvers than men, she had the presence of mind to call the McDonald’s outlet that took the order and speak to the Manager, instead of going with the obvious solution which is to hunt the guilty bastard down and Fist McFlurry his ass.

This is exactly why I believe that women should be World Leaders — any major international conflict can be resolved over a sleepover bonding session watching reruns of Sex and the City while consuming large quantities of premium ice cream with names nobody can pronounce (hurgun duzt. heargan daaaah. hayjen duhzzz?), pillow fights optional. If they could only pull themselves away from the Vincci Sale long enough to run for President, the world would be a better place. But NOO, they don’t want the world to be a better place, they want 70% off everything in MNG.

Anyways, what I’m trying to say here is that RC told the McManager what had happened, and when the delivery boy returned, McManager made the approach:

McManager: Hey, did you deliver something to this company just now?

Hamburglar: Um, yeah.

McManager: Did you take anything that wasn’t yours while you’re there?

Hamburglar: Er, no!

McManager: Are you veeeery sure? Because they have CCTV cameras over there, and they saw everything and know who you are.

Hamburglar: Er…um… *takes out stolen phone* OK here you go.

McManager: YOU THIEVING SCUMBAG!!

(OK, that last one was me)

After which Mr McManager came by the office to return the phone, minus the SIM card, because the thieving scumbag took it out and threw it away on the way back to the restaurant. He (McManager, not the remorseless cowpat) was apologetic, and for her troubles, Mr McManager gave RC a huge stack of vouchers, good for a grand total of — and this is a little too generous — ONE burger, ONE soft drink, and ONE el cheapo sundae.

Of course, RC frowned, gave him The Look, and accepted it. Me, I would have preferred Mr Hamburglar pull some McEarsquats in the McLokap instead. McBastard.