OMG! We Killed Kenny!

So Kenny signs up for the KL International Marathon, and later worries that it may actually be a bad idea because he has never participated in a marathon race before. Well, I say bollocks. It’s a GREAT idea. Not for him, because he will probably shrivel up and die a horrible death on the 35th kilometer, after being run over by a KL motorist, but because it’s going to be ENORMOUSLY entertaining for us blog readers, sitting in our cozy, slightly stained computer chairs, reading about this brave blogger’s absurdly unnecessary attempt to entertain his readers, when he could have simply teabagged an unsuspecting fan in a Starbucks instead. Regardless, this is blogtertainment at it’s best.

Here is a list of things we can expect to see Kenny experience as he attempts suicide for our entertainment pleasure:

Dehydration
This occurs when Kenny fails to drink enough fluids. But it is highly unlikely to happen, because there are water stations approximately every 3 feet.

Overhydration
This occurs when Kenny drinks too much fluids. This is very likely to happen, because there are water stations approximately every 3 feet. It will cause water intoxication, but his main concern here will be the distance to the nearest toilet, which is approximately 3000 feet away.

Nausea and Vomiting
This should not affect Kenny’s performance in any way, as demonstrated here. He is a seasoned pro, and will probably manage to take pictures mid-hurl.

Bleeding Nipples
Nipples + Rubbing against T-shirt for extended periods = Blood and Glory.

Chafing of the Skin
Expect to see chunks of skin flying off from under his armpits and between his thighs as he progresses throughout the track. A great way for him to lose weight in those problem areas.

Heat Stroke
Symptoms include stupor, irritabillity, aggression and convulsions. Now will be the perfect time for fans to ask to take a picture with him.

Peeing Blood
The medical term for this is haematuria. Not that it helps.

Heart Attack
When he sees his post-marathon medical bills.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it should whet your appetite. We can expect Kenny to do well, considering that he has what most other contestants don’t – a third leg, and legions of fans who are rooting for him. His goal should be to finish the entire 42KM and not die. Or just not die.

Coincidentally, with any luck I will be getting a personal preview of these various sporting afflictions, when I head up to Langkawi this Wednesday to prepare for the annual Ironman Langkawi Triathlon Qualifier. Thankfully, I have no readers to entertain, so I will be going as part of the Organizing Committee instead. But I’ll be bringing my camera.