Your Chinese Horrorscope

Rat
Your mother-in-law is making life a living hell, but remember that patience is a virtue. Wait until she returns from her mah-jongg session later in the evening, THEN run her over with the car.

Ox
The old saying, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” will ring true for you while on holiday in Vietnam, when you step on a landmine.

Tiger
Tigers are powerful, persuasive and confident. You, on the other hand, are a rambling, inbred sod-off. The position of the moon says you should not use your right thumb for the next six months, failing which your nipples will shrivel and fall off.

Rabbit
Expect hot, kinky sex at home. There, you will find your partner lying naked, moaning softly, on your neighbor.

Dragon
Dragons have an infectious energy and zest for life, and are constantly seeking adventure. You will soar like an eagle, free and wild, when your parachutes fail to open.

Snake
There is great wealth and fortune in real-estate for you. Remember to collect $200 when you pass “Go”, and watch Banker Margaret – she’s acting shifty with the $500 notes. You and your spouse will soon welcome a wonderful new addition to the family: syphilis.

Horse
You will never find true love, and happiness will elude you. Boo-hoo. Welcome to the real world, moron.

Goat
Fall into the arms of your newfound love, after first removing the straightjacket and checking for concealed weapons. You will live happily ever after, provided you remain heavily medicated.

Monkey
Yes, you are that ugly, and no, plastic surgery will not help. On the infinitesimally small chance that you find someone who’s interested in you, do the gene pool a favor — don’t reproduce.

Rooster
You are extremely talented, good looking and intelligent — remember that when you accidentally let a wet one rip while grinding ass on your partner’s white ensemble next week, because no one else will, Chocobum.

Dog
Your plans to bag that big promotion will take a turn for the worse when your car skids off the ravine. You are compatible with brown, red or gold colored caskets.

Pig
Next week, your porch will be given a new coat of color when your neighbor hurls a machete through your neck. Fortunately, red is your lucky color and it perfectly matches the cream floor tiles. You are most compatible with Dog, because you like it doggy style, don’t you, you horny slut?!!11ONEone KNNCB

Kurtlow.com would like to thank Fuckstress for her generous creative input on the “Pig” entry.